8.27.2003

how did i fail women's studies? i love bitches!

passion.

i lack passion.

it just maybe the fact i've been watching a lot of fantasy movies and reading some religious articles online, but i'm feeling that i don't have enough passion in my mindset. and i mean passion towards a cause, a destiny, a purpose.

passion towards some goal, some cause, some purpose where it consumes my very soul and just the thought of working on it sets my eyes on fire and heart burning.

i'm not talking about passion towards a sports team, a band, or a tv show. that's obsession.
i mean passion.
passion where the only thing that matters is serving that higher purpose. a passion that drives your being. your reason for being alive is to see your cause, your purpose, to fruition. no matter the stakes. no matter the cost. passion where you would lay down your life for the continuation of your purpose, for the triumph of your cause. passion where life and death and meaningless. passion where the flame that burns your soul needs more fuel than you could possibly feed it during your mortal days.

most of my life (actually, pretty much all of it), i've never actually tried for anything. never focused on anything long enough to do great with it. when the opportunity came along to make meaningful change, i backed off. i either quit, became so lazy i was forced out, or found someone else to take the job. i never pushed. i never made my mark. or if i did, it was because people were glad i had gone.

i never followed the passion that was yearning under the surface. waiting, patiently, for me to break through and let the floods cover my soul and wash me up to greater heights and push the cause to the next level.

i could list a handful or so organizations or causes where if i had just taken the next step, i could have been great at it. i could have marveled at what i had accomplished because i had pushed myself--and the cause--as far as i could humanly take it.

i don't know how many people have existential crises at 22, but i'm having one now.

i've never felt religion. and i mean deep spiritual religion. soul-filling communion with God. i don't know if that's just the way it goes, or something i clicked off in my head that keeps me from seeing God. i know God's out there, or in me, i just don't know how to find the Almighty.

i scream and shout about politics and society, and i take an active part in my civic duty, but i've found no political cause or worth that i could consume myself with. society may go to hell in a handbasket, and all i'll do is say "told ya so."

the closest i feel i come to passion is with my fraternity, TKE. it has angered me and saddened me many times over the past 4 years, and yet i keep coming back to give more because i believe it's a worthy cause and a righteous message of building better men. but even then i fucked it up royally. my sophomore year at wpi, i could have pushed harder, done good, forced issues and championed causes, but instead i was lazy and i've been paying the price of not being a true leader in the house ever since. i sit back and am regulated to the second tier of leadership because i refused to allow the passion to take hold and drive me to excellence--to drive others to excellence. and now i'm an old man (in fraternity life span) and i don't know what i have to show for it.

i float through life scraping by. never really doing anything. my life is spent meandering day to day hour to hour. i know i have the potential to do great. i know i have the abilities to do something worthwhile. something worthy of song and rememberance after my days on this ground have long since past. but will i do anything about? or just accept contentment and plod along?

my girlfriend has done a lot for me in the past year. she helped convince me to go back to school and take more charge of my life. she believes in me. more than i think she should, but that's love, honey. and she has all of mine.

i sit in the dark typing away. letting my thoughts meander and float and flail about. passion--a purpose--is the resting point for my train of thought. i refuel it with ideas of saving humanity, saving myself, saving the universe. delusions of grandeur or fate telling me to get my ass in gear?

i want to feel the burn, i know that. i want to be known for something great. i want ghandi, mother tersea, martin luther king jr, abraham lincoln type of fame. i want to make a change that will be felt for generations. a change where people say, "it's a damn good thing he came along when he did, or we'd be in an even bigger pile of shit than we are now." i want to feel the passion. i want i want i want. but where do i begin? how do i find the spark to ignite my soul and drive my destiny to its fullest?

i honestly don't know, and that scares the bejesus out of me.

reality check: i start school at worcester state tomorrow. round 2 of trying to get a college degree. i think that's what is bringing most of this angst on. people have told me that they believe in me and that i'm intelligent enough to do fine at college, if only i would have confidence in myself. everything is finalized for school. books bought. notebooks labeled. stapler has staples. all i need are some snak-paks and i'll be all set.

but i'm still worried. i don't know what will happen this time around. i do know that i can't afford to fuck this up like i did wpi. i do know that i need to succeed at woo state or...or...i don't know.

but it won't be good.

8.14.2003

momma don't take my kodachrome away

i'm losing touch with why i blog.

is it for the people that leave comments?
is it for the people that google random shit and click here?
is it for the regular readers that i've so unexplicably built up?
is it for my mom?

is it for me?

i haven't had anything to write, so i haven't.
i won't be for a few more days for sure, at least. mainly cuz i'm going to vermont for the weekend then to montreal to see the expos/giants on monday.

but the real issue is why i feel as though i've lost my muse.
i try to be funny sometimes, and i don't think it comes off.
i try to be insightful most of the time, but i don't think people understand me.
i try to a good writer, yet i feel as though i'm two steps behind the game.

this weekend will be good for recharging my spirit (and bad for my liver), so we'll see how the creativity flows when i get back.

8.08.2003

i have a pound of muscovado brown

the guy that drops off the delivery at trader joe's is tommy.

i usually just say, "what's up?" and not pay attention to his answer. i didn't really like him.
tommy always comes in and complains about the weird music we play (which, in his defense, we play wierd shit). he complains about the food we usually have out to snack on. "what is this fruity natural crap?" is his usual saying. especially about anything that says "yogurt" on the label (but he really likes the cookies. he's got a soft spot for the pecan sandies). he always goes rooting through the registers for new state quarters. for the past couple months, the guy has kind of been on my nerves. i pretty much ignore him when he comes in at 4am. i just thought he was a bitter old man.

but the other day, i went into the back room to toss out some cardboard, and i found him sitting on a box waiting for the morning guy to finish checking in the pallets. his expression is what made me pause.

he just looked old.
a tired, worn out man waiting for when he could go home--go home for good--and spend time with whatever family he has (if he even has any). he was just sitting there. tired. worn out.
what was keeping me from being like him in 40 years? an old man with a limp driving trucks during the middle of the night? what were his hopes and dreams when he was my age? is this what he had wanted when he started off in the world? and, if not, where did he go wrong? how could i avoid that same fate?

i was taken aback by how strongly i empathized with tommy that night. he just wasn't that kooky old man that i needed to avoid for an hour every morning. he was a real person that deserved as much compassion as my best friends did.

now i greet him with an ethusiastic "good morning, tommy! how's it today?"
and i make sure to care about his answer.

8.05.2003

even though my car is shitty, i can't even dream of owning another.

i no longer want to be called a hippie.
the connotation just doesn't fit my world view anymore.

i'm on the left on most things.
drug laws
most environmental issues
universal healthcare
universal education
most foreign policy

but i'm on the right for some things.
i support the death penalty
bring on the genetically engineered foods
reduction of welfare benefits.
imf and world bank are good things
so is the globalisation of the world economy
nuclear power is efficient and clean if we handle it properly
we need to have a strong military (but that doesn't mean we have to use it pre-emptively. oops, this is supposed to be my right list)

i find i have a conglomeration of political viewpoints, and that most political parties out there do not satisfy most of my needs.
i am anti rumsfeld, wolfowitz, and cheney
i'm pro clinton (bill) and i think president dean has a nice ring to it.

i'm thinking that i should just start my own political party. the choice party. cuz it's the right choice at the right time.

i make my first run for the presidency in 2016.

in liberal news, i give the thumbs up to the new gay bishop of the episcopal chuch.

in conservative news, the same legal challenges used in bush v. gore (which settled the infamous florida scandel and gave bush the presidency) are being used by gray davis in his bid to stop the gop-lead recall effort in california.

8.04.2003

tramps like us, baby, we born to ride

spent yesterday helping my boss move from dover, ma to derry, nh.
longest day of my life.
his best friend marc came to help but did nothing.
when he would move a box, he would take a 5 minute break afterward.
when you came in and put down something big and/or heavy, he would give a big *sigh* like he was wicked tired and needed the break.
i even got him taking a nap on one of the chairs we moved into the new apartment while me and reagan (another coworker) were moving box after box.
this may be hypocritical, but i hate lazy people.
i'm lazy, but when there is shit that has to get done, i'll make sure it gets the fuck done.
instead of making sure "the cats are doing alright."

good news about the move, i got to drive the massive 24 foot moving truck. it was fun. i've never driven anything that big. it was a smooth ride. it had better suspension than the volare (at least when the truck was full, that is). but it was wierd getting back in the volare and riding one foot off the ground after spending the weekend driving 4 feet off the ground.

also, have you seen the espn fantasy football commericials yet? the one where the kid gets the bosses porshe and the day off? (i couldn't find it online, but check out the morning runs of sportscenter and you'll see it) well, i thought the guy looked familiar and my mom let me know today that it was this kid i knew in high school--karl.
i just think that's cool.

8.01.2003

you got me on my knees

i've finally realized that it is good that i'm a couple pounds (read: 30-40 lbs) over my ideal weight.

1. the gut acts as a pillow for the girlfriend. if we were cuddling on the couch and i didn't have the gut, she would have to rest her head on a rock hard six pack. that just isn't comfy.

2. the love handles act as natural ledges so when i'm carrying boxes there isn't as much stress on my arms.

3. i'm always warm.

4. only two kinds of guys were hawaiian shirts: gay guys and big, fat party animals.

5. i never get tired of hearing the "when's the baby due?" joke.

6. if i was stuck on a deserted island with a skinny person, they would die first from starvation and then i could eat what was left of them.