life, in a two-part saga

from my idealist, hippie, commie self-image:
i exist.
blah, blah, blah. some esoteric bullshit about how i've had an experience, an insight, an epipha--blah, blah, blah.
well, that's all life is--experience. and the reason i share is because others have shared with me. pay it forward. if i can help someone--anyone--make a leap of logic (faith) towards their ideal of enlightenment than i have done some good in this world.
i exist.
and beyond what you think. beyond a mind/body dualism. beyond western science and eastern mysticism. beyond simple terran biology.
i exist.
i have a soul. the only point left to ponder: am i worth it?

from my realist, anti-authority, lazy real-image:
i am an asshole.
in more than one way. i can be the jovial sarcastic "hey-ho, jolly good one chap" asshole. but i am also the "put you down cuz i have problems with my own self-esteem issues" kind of asshole. and that's not good for business. that's not good for anybody.
i have this unerring ability to be a dick. i get this utterly condescending tone, i make belittling remarks, and i don't hold back anything. i do this--making people feel inferior--for multiple reasons.
1. you are slower than me. not really fair, but if you can't make the same dizzying mental leaps as i, i hate you.
2. you are faster than me. not really fair, but if you make dizzying mental leaps better than i, i hate you.
3. you disagree with me. completely fair, because i am always right.
there has been a nagging thought in the back of my mind for probably about a year now, and it's finally coming to the forefront in the last couple months or so. i don't think people really like assholes.
this may come as a shock to you--it sure did me. now it's a lot harder trying to stop being an ass than it was to be an ass. taking into account others feelings, view points, blah, blah, blah. i can do this when i actually think about it. when it's a conscious effort. but when i'm shooting from the hip, i'm firing all six chambers of dick-bullets. 100% asshole steel getting pumped at whatever target happened to make an attack at my intelligence or philosophy or simply didn't understand my point.

from the conglomerate of the two (and a bit o' pop cult):
there's a passage I got memorized. ezekiel 25:17. "the path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. and i will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. and you will know i am the Lord when i lay my vengeance upon you." i been sayin' that shit for years. and if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. i never really questioned what it meant. i thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker 'fore you popped a cap in his ass. but i saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice. wow I'm thinkin', it could mean you're the evil man. and i'm the righteous man. and mr. .45 here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness. or is could by you're the righteous man and i'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. i'd like that. but that shit ain't the truth. the truth is you're the weak. and i'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin'. I'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd.