how did i fail women's studies? i love bitches!

passion.

i lack passion.

it just maybe the fact i've been watching a lot of fantasy movies and reading some religious articles online, but i'm feeling that i don't have enough passion in my mindset. and i mean passion towards a cause, a destiny, a purpose.

passion towards some goal, some cause, some purpose where it consumes my very soul and just the thought of working on it sets my eyes on fire and heart burning.

i'm not talking about passion towards a sports team, a band, or a tv show. that's obsession.
i mean passion.
passion where the only thing that matters is serving that higher purpose. a passion that drives your being. your reason for being alive is to see your cause, your purpose, to fruition. no matter the stakes. no matter the cost. passion where you would lay down your life for the continuation of your purpose, for the triumph of your cause. passion where life and death and meaningless. passion where the flame that burns your soul needs more fuel than you could possibly feed it during your mortal days.

most of my life (actually, pretty much all of it), i've never actually tried for anything. never focused on anything long enough to do great with it. when the opportunity came along to make meaningful change, i backed off. i either quit, became so lazy i was forced out, or found someone else to take the job. i never pushed. i never made my mark. or if i did, it was because people were glad i had gone.

i never followed the passion that was yearning under the surface. waiting, patiently, for me to break through and let the floods cover my soul and wash me up to greater heights and push the cause to the next level.

i could list a handful or so organizations or causes where if i had just taken the next step, i could have been great at it. i could have marveled at what i had accomplished because i had pushed myself--and the cause--as far as i could humanly take it.

i don't know how many people have existential crises at 22, but i'm having one now.

i've never felt religion. and i mean deep spiritual religion. soul-filling communion with God. i don't know if that's just the way it goes, or something i clicked off in my head that keeps me from seeing God. i know God's out there, or in me, i just don't know how to find the Almighty.

i scream and shout about politics and society, and i take an active part in my civic duty, but i've found no political cause or worth that i could consume myself with. society may go to hell in a handbasket, and all i'll do is say "told ya so."

the closest i feel i come to passion is with my fraternity, TKE. it has angered me and saddened me many times over the past 4 years, and yet i keep coming back to give more because i believe it's a worthy cause and a righteous message of building better men. but even then i fucked it up royally. my sophomore year at wpi, i could have pushed harder, done good, forced issues and championed causes, but instead i was lazy and i've been paying the price of not being a true leader in the house ever since. i sit back and am regulated to the second tier of leadership because i refused to allow the passion to take hold and drive me to excellence--to drive others to excellence. and now i'm an old man (in fraternity life span) and i don't know what i have to show for it.

i float through life scraping by. never really doing anything. my life is spent meandering day to day hour to hour. i know i have the potential to do great. i know i have the abilities to do something worthwhile. something worthy of song and rememberance after my days on this ground have long since past. but will i do anything about? or just accept contentment and plod along?

my girlfriend has done a lot for me in the past year. she helped convince me to go back to school and take more charge of my life. she believes in me. more than i think she should, but that's love, honey. and she has all of mine.

i sit in the dark typing away. letting my thoughts meander and float and flail about. passion--a purpose--is the resting point for my train of thought. i refuel it with ideas of saving humanity, saving myself, saving the universe. delusions of grandeur or fate telling me to get my ass in gear?

i want to feel the burn, i know that. i want to be known for something great. i want ghandi, mother tersea, martin luther king jr, abraham lincoln type of fame. i want to make a change that will be felt for generations. a change where people say, "it's a damn good thing he came along when he did, or we'd be in an even bigger pile of shit than we are now." i want to feel the passion. i want i want i want. but where do i begin? how do i find the spark to ignite my soul and drive my destiny to its fullest?

i honestly don't know, and that scares the bejesus out of me.

reality check: i start school at worcester state tomorrow. round 2 of trying to get a college degree. i think that's what is bringing most of this angst on. people have told me that they believe in me and that i'm intelligent enough to do fine at college, if only i would have confidence in myself. everything is finalized for school. books bought. notebooks labeled. stapler has staples. all i need are some snak-paks and i'll be all set.

but i'm still worried. i don't know what will happen this time around. i do know that i can't afford to fuck this up like i did wpi. i do know that i need to succeed at woo state or...or...i don't know.

but it won't be good.