to be on your own with no direction home

watched the high school kids milling around the voc yesterday. a lot of bling bling for 16 year olds.

and it made me do the "man, what would high school be like if i went back now?"

if i did it all over again without be this smart, i'd probably do the same things again and end up right where i am anyway.

if i went back with the knowledge i have now, well, it would be a different story.
i would fucking rule the place.

but would it be worth it?
i could fix all the shit that i messed up on, i could run that small world with my suave ways.
can you avoid your mistakes and improve your successes without changing who you are?
could i fix everything and be where i am today--only healthy, wealthy, and wise?
i doubt it.
my guess would be that i'm in vegas sleeping on a bed of coke with an entourage of hookers.
not that there is anything wrong with that lifestyle, it's just that i need a proper mattress to sleep on on account of my lower back problems.

no, my world is the way it is because of my choices in the past and i couldn't even talk about this if i hadn't made those decisions.

"i believe that we are solely responsible for our choices, and we have to accept the consequences of every deed, word, and thought throughout our lfetime."--elizabeth kubler-ross

like keanu, "whoa"

that's some heavy shit. i think the vast majority of problems in this world could be solved by people taking responsibility for their own lives. jobless? get a job. just because you think cleaning toilets is beneath you, doesn't mean that it's not a valuable job to society. choose your priorities and manage them so that you are actually accomplishing things that are feasible. i know i'm not going to be in the nfl, but that doesn't stop me from playing ball. i just know what my level of engagement should be and i don't blame others for me not playing at another level. you want that next level? then work for it. just do it. take the time and dedicate yourself to your endeavors.

if you will it, it is no dream.

of course this is a lot easier to say than do. fear always gets in the way. fear of failure. fear of trying new things. fear of risking happiness. striving for happiness may make you sad once in awhile, but it's so much sweeter than just be content all the time.
but listen to me ramble, if i actually took my own advice, i wouldn't be 30 lbs overweight, dead broke, or degreeless after 4 years of sometimes college.

or it could be you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. i'd like that. but that shit ain't the truth. the truth is you're the weak. and i'm the tyranny of evil men. but i'm tryin', ringo. i'm tryin' real hard to be a shepherd