honey farms is for the man on the go

i got a little pamphlet from the people at axe the other day in a magazine i get. it had some juicy tidbits about how to deal with the woman. this i find to be the most amusing, and--as such--would like to share it with you, the loyal reader.

how to remove a hickey

an axe user may find in certain intimate encounters, the female tends to mark her territory by inflicting a contusion or "hickey." such hickeys, or love blisters, must be removed as soon as possible if the user plans to "start fresh" with another female (women will not be receptive to a young man with a hickey. those who do pursue him are likely seeking to initiate a hickey turf war, which could leave the user with severe yellow, blue and purple bruises and possible internal bleeding.).

you may find it necessary to interact with another female before the hickey has completely faded. in this case, you will need a thr (temporary hickey rationalization). here are some options:

(a) tell her your grandmother loves to pince you on the cheek, but the poor woman has osteoporosis--and because she's now a foot shorter, your neck is as high as she can get.

(b) all hickeys resemble a small country. if, for example, yours resembles denmark, explain to her that it's a temporary tatoo of denmark.

(c) in a selfless act to protest the abuse of elephants, you dove in front of a man who was shooting a tranquilizer dart at a baby elephant. you took the dart in your neck, but the elephant got away. be vague about where and when this happened.

note: do not wear a turtleneck. the damage to your social standing will outweigh any benefits of covering the hickey.

the steps:

1. chill a spoon or fork until it's freezing to the touch.

2. apply utensil to affected area. gently rub it on the bruise at 30-minute intervals until discoloration fades.

3. perform a complete self-inspection. you may have more hickeys than you realize.