i sing the body electric, but all i smell is ozone

with the woman coming back today, i've been thinking about women. and how they confuse the hell out of me.

my one time ra and still source of enlightenment, dan jacques, can write (and very well, i'll add) about women and he seems to understand them.
that broken girl can right about the existential angst of all college students, and i understand.
i understand the bad news that trucker hats are when i read mad pony.
when allison talks about her birthday for a week and a half, i can understand that, too. cuz i will blab when it's my birthday, too.
but there are so many things i don't understand. and i don't think i ever will.

take, for example, lip gloss. why do you own 893 different flavors of it? why do you always have to have it on? why do you eat it? and why do you put on the kind with glitter? glitter is like herpes. once you have it, you can never get rid of it. i have glitter on my car seats from february when carla wore a sparkle dress. i've found glitter on my face 3 months after carla has kissed my cheek. glitter looks good on you, ladies. on you. just keep it to yourselves.

another thing, why is it when you wear shorts with an elastic band do you roll down the top? does this serve like a belt? then buy smaller shorts. girls are always complaining about the size of their clothes, now you can do something about it and not confuse the hell out of me! and ambercrombie actually makes shorts where their name is upside down on the inside of the elastic so you have to roll down the top to read the word! i don't understand.

and then there are shoes. i currently own 4(!) pairs of shoes. this is the most in my entire lifetime.
1 pair sandals
1 pair sneakers
1 pair casual shoes
1 pair wing tips
and all 4 pair are black!
where on the femine side of coin, you'll own 14 pairs of boots, 37 pairs of sandals and 64 million red shoes.
wait. i'm sorry. that's unfair. you own a magenta pair, a fuschia pair, a brick red pair, a cherry red pair, a blush red pair, a fire engine red pair, a fire hydrant red pair, a crimson pair and 63, 999, 992 pairs of plain red shoes.
this, i feel, is where the genders are, forever and ever amen, never going to come to a common understanding.

also something that girls worry about is the size of their butts. i don't understand this. there is no need to worry about the size of it. the bigger the better. this is has been demostrated to us multiple times in pop culture. the ladies man always recommends "da butt." and j. lo is an acceptable example for why the butt is nicer when there is more to go around. but--for the good examples--i'm leaning more towards the music arena of pop culture. sir mix a lot tells us, "my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hon." queen reminded us with a bit of melody that "fat-bottomed girls make the rockin' world go 'round." and it's true. don't worry ladies, we like any butt that likes us.

i could go on for days about women and my inability to know anything about them.
but i won't.

instead, i'll just offer the little advice i do know about women:

guys: women are beautiful. and we are a stupid species, so just find the one that doesn't care you're stupid and hold on.
ladies: you are all beautiful, amazing, talented, lovely, breath-taking, gorgeous creatures. boys are just too stupid to realize it. just find one that's not too stupid and hold on.