i mine authority

i am losing my capacity to care about school. 2 weeks left including finals week, and i am getting tired of it. i just did some homework and checked up on a couple classes online. it looks like Bs across the board again, which is fine with me. i just want to finish this degree. this post may get whiny, but i am in a whiny mood.

5 years ago, i would have been hard pressed to believe you if you told me at 23 i would be a 2 time college dropout, looking at 2 more years of school, and the vast majority of my college boys settling down successfuly in the real world.

there was a time when i considered myself one of the most intelligent and most together people around.
2 things wrong with that image. first, i am way more intelligent now than i was then, where i now realize that i am still a complete idiot.
second, i don't have shit together. i am barely able to function as a normal member of society. any of my friends could tell you that.

ugh. i'm such a whiny bitch.

basically spending a weekend with my friends i came to college with (who have been out for a year with degrees), has made me feel way less secure about myself and what i am trying to do with my life. these guys all have jobs, one is going to take over his own company, a couple are definately close to being married (one is doing it in a month!).

i am that friend that hasn't done anything. and then they ask what i'm up to when i haven't seen them for awhile, and i feel embarrassed telling them "worcester state, nite stock at trader joe's." it feels like saying "loser."
not there is anything wrong with what i'm doing, it's just not the 5 year plan i started out on. and i think i feel embarrassed more for the reason that they all knew me when it looked like i was on the same track as them, not the "that guy" track.

this picture's frozen and i can't get out

this weekend was the 40th annual sewer party. the biggest party of the year for TKE, and one of the largest at wpi. hell, even in worcester college scene.
anyway, i hear that this year's was just absolutely insane. off the hook, if you will.

i say i hear that because i was at work saturday night and i didn't go to the party.

most people, when they heard i was working instead of partying, gave some variation on this response: "oh man. that sucks."

i would invariably respond with, "yeah, man. what you gonna do?" mainly because that is easier than explaining to people that if i was at the party i wouldn't be in the party room at all. i would spend time in the upstairs bar or in the quad away from everyone.

i don't like parties. i haven't for awhile. inviting a few hundred strangers into my house to drink beer i pay for is not my idea of a good evening.

and other people were looking ahead to this party so much, i didn't want to say anything about my anti party stance as to bring them down.

so i spent yesterday hearing all about the crazy shit that went down on saturday night, and the whole time i was just thinking, "i don't care."

i find that a majority of my friends that are still in worcester are just interested in different things than i am. and it is hard to explain this to them in a way they actually understand, so they don't think i am just being a bitch or lazy.

i should buy a boat!

isaac has this link to this quiz (they call it a game) about morality.

the problem that i had with the quiz was that i didn't think that a lot of the questions were about morality. i felt that a lot of it could have been classified as ethics more than morality.

i believe in a universal morality. whether it be handed down by God or if it is a prequesite condition of awareness, i think there is a basic level of behavior that we should all follow.

my version of morality mainly consists of things that cause unneccesary physical or mental harm to self, others or environment. things such as murder, rape, child abuse, arson, and a whole slew of other things i could list count as "immoral."

a good morality would be that in which no harm is done to self, others or environment. you don't even have to prevent or cure harm. not harming another is the bare minimum that you should be able to accomplish. the rest is gravy and just gets you a better table in heaven.

things like flag desecration, homosexuality or fucking a dead chicken (take the quiz)--while repulsive to some (the chicken creeps me out)--are issues of "ethics." they are social norms that vary from society to society. the "rules" that govern these behaviors, i find, are more for the sake of conformity and communal safety than they are about true morality and understanding a proper way of treating others.

the morality that is handed down to use through organized western religion is more a form of ethics, i feel. i qualify that statement with "western religion" because from my study of buddhism, confucism and taoism most eastern religions fit the worldview i have created of morals and ethics.

i like to think of myself as ahead of the curve in understanding the human condition than most people. or it could be i am an idiot. either way, i still think i am right.

so i feel that people need to do more about worrying about how they are treating themselves and the people around them before they start handing down judgements and punishments for behavior that they find "immoral" mainly because they do not--or cannot--understand the other's point of view.

"God loves ugly"--atmosphere

crazy dream #1,267

i'm on the porch outside the quad. a bunch of us are standing out there. talking, laughing. i hear some laughter and look inside. ben affleck is sitting on the short couch with sarah silverman. they are watching tv. i come in and ask what is so funny. ben says something about this chick on tv has her own show. then sarah stands up and bends over.

ben looks at me and starts laughing.
"i saw you checking out her ass," he says. "that's my girl, jackass."
i sit down on the other couch.
"i'm not going to lie, affleck. she has a seriously nice ass."
"as long as you don't hook up with her."
he sounds menacing. like daredevil level menacing.
"i can handle that, " i reply.
"you can give me a back rub, though," sarah pipes in.

ever the gentlemen, i bend to the lady's request and give her a back rub. this is where stuff gets weird.
as i'm giving the back rub, her head disappears. she grows like 200lbs and her arms turn backward, and this new monster gives me a bear hug.

i start freaking out. i struggle to no avail. the sarah monster squeezes harder and harder. i turn my head and i see myself asleep on the blue couch.

it is weird seeing yourself outside yourself inside your own head.

so i start screaming, "wake up!"
i keep screaming it in my dream. i see myself on the couch moving. i keep screaming at myself. the sarah monster is squeezing harder and harder. it is getting hard to breath. i don't think i will last much longer. i keep screaming.

WAKE UP

i'm awake laying on the blue couch. but i have the physical sensation of being squeezed really hard. i am quite freaked out by all this.
but sportscenter is still playing, so i watch it for a few and gently slide back to dreamland where this time it's me, a penguin and donald trump.

but that's another story.

i'm back, baby

regerchris.com

it now exists thanks to my lovely and talented assistant carla. it just points to here--for now, but the future looks bright, baby!

i apologize for the lack of posting here, but i've been slacking in most things lately. the quick update is this:

still going to worcester state
still working at trader joe's
still dating carla who is currently in copenhagen for school
moving out of the TKE house to an apartment in 6 weeks.
have incubus tickets for july 3
being a groomsmen (groomsman? groommen? groomman?) for my boy mcd at the end of may.

ok that's good for a return post.
i'm back!